CONVERSATION FOUR

 You: Have you ever been overwhelmed with hate and anger?

Me: Several times. I've raged against rage.

You: What have you done to escape these demons?

Me: I have made drastic decisions to change the direction of my life because if I hadn't, I would have annihilated myself in self-destructive behavior. But there is also an unfortunate reality.

You: What is that?

Me: Sometimes you can't escape them. They haunt you ceaselessly. There are respites from their onslaughts, but there is no rest. 

You: How do you survive in this unsettling state?

Me: Xanax. Cough syrup. Even Excedrin. You may not have a headache that is causing you physical pain, but you have a headache that is causing you mental pain. Excedrin has a tranquilizing effect on me. You do your best to dull yourself to your psychological afflictions without compromising your clarity. On a purely tangible level, exercise and sleep have to be a part of your regimen if you intend to survive.

You: How is your mental state at this moment.

Me: Fragile. I'm dealing with paranoia because I am not in control of myself right now, but like the hate and anger that constantly plague you, you learn to live in this precarious condition.

You: Do you ever contemplate suicide?

Me: Like a bullet entering your brain, I have thought about it, but unless I were terminally sick, I would resort to a drastic decision to alter my situation. I believe one solution is to run from a problem. Some might consider it a lesser form of suicide because of the widespread Coronavirus affecting the country, but I would consider traveling to Brazil as a radical but necessary change. I have said that before I committed suicide, I would live in Portugal for a year and then weigh my options. We're so toxic as a nation these days with the pandemic that Portugal and most Western European countries won't allow us inside their borders, but Brazil has a president as crazy as Trump and there are no travel restrictions for us. And as long as you have money and your health, why would you want to kill yourself? There is always an adventure just around the next corner.

You: What are you doing at this very moment to deal with your desperation?

Me: Writing.

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