/DP-M STILL CUTS DASHING FIGURE

/DP-M: "Jerry, I'm waiting for you to die from Covid-19, so that I can wear my spiffy dark-blue linen suit to your burial. Keep dining out..."

(EDITOR'S NOTE: From your days at The Brownsville Herald, you were the handsome face with the ugly pen who dressed impeccably. Unlike the other reporters who stumbled into work disheveled in wrinkled shirts, faded jeans and sandals, you always arrived dashingly attired and freshly shaved, a trail of Old Spice trailing you as you swept past our messy desks like a matador ready to deliver the final "estocada" to a local politician whom you had reduced from a bull to a calf. You were the one the editor sent to the press conferences because you looked like you had just stepped out of GQ while the rest of us had the weary look of hollowed-out studs who had spent the night drinking and whoring in Matamoros. As can be easily observed from the photo above, you are the blogger who maintains that cutting-edge profile while your colleagues sit in their cheap apartments unbathed and unshaved pouring out their bitter thoughts. They don't dare foray into public unless there is nothing left in the refrigerator and they must brave the stares at HEB to buy the bare essentials--beer and chips--before returning to their hermetic existences where porn is their sole source of relief. You, however, remain the cool cat on the prowl. Known as the "Meow Man" in cosmopolitan McAllen, you cause heads to turn around when you stride into a bar while your former colleagues never get a second look even in 14th Street cantinas filled with Central American prostitutes. As to death from COVID-19, I hope that I can count on you being a pallbearer to add some dignity to the ceremony. Estanislao Contreras, the controversial poet of Chicano Fuck Songs, Jack O'Connell, the great unpublished novelist, Mort Heinman, Brownsville's only uncircumcised Jew and the Baker Boys, the fame private investigators Billy and Bobby, have grudgingly committed to find some time from their "busy" schedules to escort me to my final destination, but in terms of fashion they are unapologetic slobs. I need you in the sixth slot to add a touch of class to the ceremony. I hope I can count on you. The Brownsville Void's Publisher Bobby Witless-Cervezas has committed to delivering the eulogy. There will be a pachanguita at El Hueso de Fraile after the burial. "Delta" Dave Handelman, your favorite bluesman, will evoke my presence playing Doc Scully classics. Annie Gunn, the gal of spring and song, will be in attendance. She is dying to meet you. Not only is she beautiful, but after two tequila shots she's easy. I would suggest, however, keeping a condom in your wallet. RIP.)