FALWELL FALLS INTO WELL OF LUST

When Jerry Falwell, the president of conservative religious college Liberty University, discovered that he couldn't walk on water like Jesus Christ, he bought a yacht. When he discovered that he couldn't turn water into wine like his hero, he decided to stock his luxurious boat with top-shelf Malbecs, Cabernets and Merlots. But when he discovered that Our Savior had a special relationship with Mary Magdalene and his apostles, he took that as an acceptable excuse to invite co-eds and his buddies for a cruise.

And did they party. He told the gathering, "If Trump can't be like us, then we'll be like Trump." His conversation to perversion as witnessed by the photo of Falwell with a young lady at his side should surprise no one when a powerful man comes into contact with a powerless woman. And contact it was! He has his arm curled around her back with his hand resting just below her averaged-size right breast. Both, displaying big, sexy smiles, are standing with their shirts rolled up and their pants unzipped. Falwell is holding a glass containing a black liquid. Whether she was under the influence of the same beverage, we at The McHale Report have no evidence.

"Pretty creepy guy," said Father Jesus P. Cadissimo, the defrocked priest who was excommunicated from the Catholic Church after he observed that the previous bishop had a predilection for surrounding himself with young priests who were constantly kissing his ring and possibly his ass as well. Administering to the poor of Cameron Park in defiance of the Church, Cadissimo routinely criticizes the present bishop for never denouncing pedophiles or outing any of his debauched clerics.

"There have been ceaseless rumors about Falwell's proclivities," continued Cadissimo. "His critics refer to him as the Playboy Pastor. When the born-again zealots embraced Trump who has bragged that he fucks every chick who walks after he grabs their pussies as well as reveling in the company of prostitutes, porn stars and allegedly Jeffrey Epstein's underaged girls, these hypocritical Christians lost their credibility forever.

"They have no moral compass. Over the years one preacher after another has been nabbed cheating on his wife while fleecing his faithful for thousands in order to build mansions, drive expensive automobiles and wear Italian suits. If Our Lord discovered these false prophets were making mounds of money in his name, he would have a paroxysm that would have made his outburst against the buyers and sellers in the Temple seem hardly more than a child's temper tantrum.

"These wolves dressed in sheep's clothing would vote for Satan against Joe Biden if the devil promised he would prohibit abortion although I must apologize to the Prince of Evil for impugning his reputation by comparing him to Trump. A Virginian, Falwell comes from a tradition of religious leaders who asserted that the Bible condoned slavery. He reportedly told his fellow good ol' boys one night after too much moonshine that 'lynched niggers hanging from the lowest limbs of magnolia trees were Trump's favorite fruit.'"

The Baker Boys are conducting an investigation into the Falwell fiasco. They have determined that the twenty-something female at Falwell's side is pregnant, but they have been unable to determine if the child is Falwell's. Falwell, who demands that the females attending his school avoid donning two-piece bathing suits, apparently believes that there is nothing wrong with a woman baring her midriff if she is properly attired above and below the naked area.

A national blog reported that Falwell, who promotes Liberty University as "a solid Christian foundation for training champions of Christ" and a beacon of Republican redneck values, "looked like he was on his way to a porn shoot" in its description of the event that has led to Falwell's indefinite suspension from the institution established by his fanatical father.

"You know how it was weird, ‘cause she couldn’t, ‘cause she was, she’s pregnant," sputtered Falwell as he endeavored to defuse the incident.

He continued incoherently: "So she couldn’t get her, she couldn’t get her pants up. And I was, like, trying to, like – I had on a pair of jeans that I haven’t worn in a long time so I couldn’t get mine zipped, either. And, uh, I just put my belly, I just put my belly out like hers."

The more he talked, the deeper he dug himself into a hole. Trump has accused Biden of being unable to string a series of sentences together. Apparently, the president should have saved this disparaging remark for Falwell who closed his shaky performance with this disjointed statement:

"And it was just, um – she’s my wife’s assistant and she’s a sweetheart and I should never have put it up and embarrassed her because, um – anyway, I, I’ve apologized to everybody. I promised my kids I’m gonna try to be better. I’m gonna try to be a good boy from here on out."

We concede that boys will be boys, but Falwell is hardly a boy. Having a little girl next to him may have triggered one of his teenage masturbatory fantasies and he simply lost control of his libido. It is an experience that can be liberating, but not when you're the president of Liberty University.