INSANTIY INSPIRES SANITY

 "What is your mental state, compadre? With the exception of painting the town red the other day, you're not drinking much wine or smoking much dope."

"I seldom turn to alcohol or drugs recreationally when I'm not well mentally, big guy. Alcohol makes me angry and drugs get me paranoid. I had my most terrible outbursts with women when I was drunk."

"What are you doing to stay calm?"

"I'm on a steady diet of Xanax, point five my diurnal dose. I'm redefining myself physically. In the last two months I've dropped from 200 to 185. My goal is 175. When I was 30, I weighed 150. At 67 I have limited appeal and I have to eliminate as many negatives as possible in order to make a good first impression. My biggest challenge is the belly. Underneath this shrinking keg there may be a six pack."

"What are doing to become young and handsome again?"

"I'm doing American yoga every day."

"What the hell is American yoga?'

"As long as I can remember, I've been doing push-ups. I was skinny as a child, the classic 98-pound weakling. I had elephant ears. I was far from cute. The girls had no interest in me. My schoolmates called me Alfred E. Neuman, the character from Mad Magazine who appeared on the front cover. I had a face full of freckles. My appearance embarrassed me and doing push-ups was my attempt to improve my physique."

"How many push-ups would you do?"

"I don't remember, but as part of my American yoga I'm doing ten sets of 30. I also do ten sets of abdominals and ten sets of stretching. I lay in front of the television and exercise for an hour. I can do them anywhere, anytime."

"Is that it?"

"No. I walk between an hour and an hour-and-half every day. Running is too painful. I attempt to find my Zen mind as I pump my arms, count and maintain a steady pace. Hot or cold, windy or rainy, walking is pure pleasure.

"You say you've lost 15 pounds?"

"I have, but I haven't explained the entire program. In my apartment complex there is a gym and I'm lifting weights three times a week and swimming laps when I finish. Lastly, there is my tennis game. I go to the center twice a week. I'm hitting the ball better than at any time in my life."

"Yoga, walking, lifting weights, swimming and playing tennis...you'll be young and handsome in no time. Perhaps you'll blind someone again with that whitewashed facade."

"I have explained only 20% of my strategy. The other 80% is diet. I have eliminated most starches. No more bread or tortillas. I'm consuming little sugar. I have cut my portions dramatically. I'm eating at frequent intervals, mostly fruits, nuts and vegetables. Orange juice, strawberries and cereal for breakfast, a substantial lunch and salads in the evening. I don't like that stuffed feeling and I quiet the growl in my stomach with water. Several cups of green tea assist my regimen. This is my last opportunity to be slim and trim."

"You are using all the negatives in your life for a dynamic comeback. Congratulations."

"I don't kid myself. I am attempting to gain control of myself physically in order to save myself mentally. If I look good, I may feel good."