I.Q.S

 Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss, The McHale Reports' medical expert, has been giving I.Q tests to his patients for almost a half century. He says that I.Q is 80% innate intelligence and 20% experience. Dr. Pangloss says that the average I.Q. varies from 90 to 119 with a result above 130 extremely high and a result below 80 extremely low.

"It's not a complicated test," said Dr. Pangloss. "I've given thousands that I can talk with a person or observe the same individual in a five-minute span and ascertain the subject's I.Q. within a few points. Since you've asked me to speculate on the intelligence of the 14 BISD trustee candidates, I will be more than amused to entertain your readers with my knowledge.

131--Daniella Lopez-Valdez: "She is brilliant. She is innovative and flexible. Where others are blind, she perceives the path toward enlightenment. Since she is in her twenties, I wouldn't be surprised if in five years her I.Q. doesn't rise to 135."

128--Phil Cowen: "He is almost too smart. He is so distracted in his thinking that he forgets to close his zipper after taking a piss. He is an example of experience improving his I.Q. He needed street smarts to survive as a child and his many experiences from serving in the military to becoming a lawyer have been instrumental in raising his final figure."

123--Joe Rodriguez: "His critics think he's wily, but he was blessed with a superior intelligence. He graduated from high school when he was 16 and playing sports against athletes sometimes five years older than himself expedited his maturity. We know that there is a direct correlation in many cases between athletic prowess and academic achievement."

119--Eddie Garcia: "He is the classic nerd. You look at his elementary photos and he is the only one with a tie. He is the quiet student who is the first one to hand in his work and does all his assignments. While there is no doubt that he is disciplined, his success rests in that the answers come easily to him."

118--Frankie Olivo: "His intelligence speaks for itself because you can hear it in his speech. Stupid people aren't articulate. Language is a huge indicator in whether or not a person is smart or not. Olivo is very fluid in public settings."

116--Jaime Diez. "They call him the Whiz Kid. Being a product of an excellent education is reflected indubitably in one's I.Q., but Diez, like Lopez-Valdez, is very young and has yet to profit from experience. In a decade I wouldn't be surprised if his I.Q. rises to 125."

113--Erasmo Castro: "The politico, who even ran for dogcatcher in Matamoros, is no dummy, but like disbarred lawyer and the publisher of El Brownsville Void Booby Witless-Cervezas, he undermines his own efforts because his overloaded circuits want to process information that only a genius could resolve."

108--Argelia Miller: "She is as sharp as a tack and her I.Q. has without a doubt benefitted from her vast experiences. Miller, like many like-minded thinkers, can see the forest for the trees. While others complicate matters, she has the gift for arriving at the simple solution."

107--Marisa Leal: "A sign of intelligence is common sense. Believe it or not, her native intelligence is extremely high, but her experience quotient is low even though she has held a variety of positions. Her I.Q. has not improve significantly because she has never been allowed to think for herself."

93--Carlos Elizondo: "Like Trump, Elizondo gives the impression that he is someone whom he isn't because he's a bully. Elizondo epitomizes the personalities within this I.Q. range because they are incapable of handling criticism. They oftentimes blame God for cheating them."

92--Minerva Peña: "Chatterboxes are classic examples of middling I.Q.s. Dumb people never shut up and nobody in the BISD spews more nonsense than this absent-minded parrot. Ironically, unlike Elizondo who points his finger at God, Peña, a hypocritical Christian, believes by quoting verse that the ignorant will envision her as the light in the darkness."

88--Denise Garza: "A person who says that having a college degree is not important could only come from the mouth of an idiot. Those with low I.Q.s are incapable of looking at themselves in the mirror and perceiving reality. She has been a clerk all her life. Do I need say more?"

83--Jessica Gonzalez: "She has been cursed with just enough intelligence to be dangerous. You can tell her that one and one are two until you are red in the face, but she will insist that the answer is three."

78--Viro Cardenas: "Unlike Daniella Lopez-Valdez and Jaime Diez who are moving in a positive direction, Cardenas plunges in the opposite direction. His I.Q. has decreased over the years. He campaigns on the platform that he wants to help BISD students, yet he's arrested for not providing his own daughters with their child support. We can only pray that he doesn't continue to deteriorate."