JASON MOODY SITS FOR INTERVIEW

Jason "The Jackal" Moody, the new public information officer for the Brownsville Independent School District (BISD), is well-known in political circles. He has advised scores of candidates who, in the end, have usually lost to Rodrigo Moreno's Pink Ape aspirants.

At The McHale Report we prefer imaginary interviews to the real thing because they don't take much time and they are more enjoyable to pen because we have more of a penchant for fiction than we do for realism although we mix them on occasion which has made Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully, our founder, famous world-wide for creating the fictional/realism genre.

Our good friend Robert Sanchez contributed an inflatable woman to the blog. We filled her with air and her dimensions were quite extraordinary. Sanchez had previously baptized her Nubia and the name seem to fit her sensuous state. We sat her in a comfortable seat. Cris Valadez, ex-County Judge Carlos Cascos' former aide, is a ventriloquist. He sounds quite sexy and he provided the voice. Scott Steinbeck, The McHale Report's managing editor, conducted the Q&A:

"Welcome, Jason. We wish you the best."

Thank-you. I intend to show the blogs the respect they deserve since nobody reads The Brownsville Herald."

"Let's start with the basics. What is the superintendent's name?"

I'm new and I don't know anyone's name yet. It's a big district. On my bucket list learning his name will be my number one priority.

"There are rumors that he considers Brownsville a Third-World City and has chosen to remain in McAllen from where he was recruited."

If I don't know his name, how the fuck, excuse me, how the heck do I know where he lives?

"Former BISD Trustee Erasmo Castro suggested on his award-winning show Brownsville Talk that you snared this position as a result of a board member's recommendation. Is there any truth to that rumor?"

I would hope that I garnered this position based on my merits. I assume all the trustees were unanimous in agreeing that I was the perfect person for the position.

"Do you drink excessively?"

Not at all. I enjoy Happy Hour on occasion, but I am tucked in bed long before the bewitching hour. I rise early every morning because I recite the rosary.

"Do you snort coke or smoke dope?"

That question is entirely inappropriate.

"We're just doing our job, sir. We don't mean to be disrespectful. Moving on to a less controversial subject, the district's attorney Baltazar Salazar intimates that Laura Garza-Perez is the best looking chick on the board. Would you agree with his assessment?"

As a professional, I would like to think that I am more substantial than superficial. In all my relationships with people, it's the inner person and not the outer person that intrigues me. Laura is attractive, but I wouldn't say that she was more attractive than Minera Peña. Again, I'm not interested in facades. A pretty face can hide an ugly character and vice versa.

"Would you characterize the present board as stable or unstable?"

I know that Erasmo Castro has departed even though he was much loved by the students, that Dr. Sylvia Atkinson is in limbo (Some say in hell, he, he, he. Please don't quote me), that Laura Garza-Perez is almost certain to win in November and become the county's next district clerk (Off the record, I am a Democrat and I will be supporting her against Trump's tramp) and that Jessica Tetreau-Kalifa may resign to run the transportation department because she has assured the administration that she can reduce the district's budget substantially washing our vehicles.

"Jessica is a city commissioner. She has nothing to do with the BISD. In fact, I've heard that she sends her kids to St. Joe because there are too many chongs and nacos in the district."

Please forgive me for my ignorance. As I said previously, I'm just learning everyone's names. Since I can use all the help I can get, is Ben Neece a BISD trustee or a city commissioner?

"Ben's with the city. Switching gears, The Brownsville Void's Publisher Booby Witless-Cervezas has been one of the BISD's most relentless critics. Will you be taking his calls or will you inform your secretary to inform him that you are not at your desk?"

I will not be in my office on a regular basis as I intend to be out in the field, but I will make every effort to communicate with him if I am available. Nevertheless, I do want to stress that I will be extremely busy. I hope Mr. Witless-Cervezas is patient because on occasions it may be several weeks before I will be able to return his call, but I've heard that he is a reasonable person and I'm sure he will respect my packed schedule.

"Trustee Phil Cowen, a member of Brownsville's most beloved family, has been complaining in open session that his wife, one of the finest educators in the BISD for years, has been bullied and harassed and intimidated and embarrassed in recent months by her superiors. Would you be so kind as to investigate the matter and gather the facts for us. When you mess with a Cowen, you are messing with Texas. The McHale Report has the Baker Boys investigating the matter, but we could use your support in ferreting out the facts."

I will do my best, but I have an important meeting with the athletic director in 15 minutes. We hardly have any fans at Sam Stadium for the football games because our teams are so terrible, but we have to decide if this season we're going to have any fans at all. Both COVID-19 and losing are extremely infectious. We don't want asymptomatic fans suddenly becoming dreadfully sick watching our teams slaughtered, 50-0.

"We understand. Thank-you for your time. By the way, do you have a cell number so we can contact you in case of an emergency?"

With my new job I'm receiving a significant upgrade in pay and I have traded in my old cell for a new one, but I don't pick it up until tomorrow. Feel free to call the stadium's number. My secretary will promptly relay your message.

"I appreciate the access. Best of luck. And a word of caution: Be careful with El Rrun Rrun's Juan Montoya. According to the chisme, unsubstantiated and from a questionable source, he feels you're the worst hire for an important post since the City hired Carlos Elizondo for fire chief. Juan can be brutal. We don't want to toot our own horn, but The McHale Report is probably the only blog you can trust. Have a good day."

Thank-you, sir. This interview has been a surreal experience for me, but I'm grateful that you have introduced me to the New-Journalism. I realize that I must be careful or somebody will put words in my mouth. You can be certain that I have nothing but the utmost respect for the bloggers and the important contributions they make to our community. Good day, sir.