JESSICA

 Is there a community that has been afflicted with more terrible and treacherous politicians? Is it the lack of brain power that has doomed this exiled people teetering on the edge of civilization? The names of these infamous individuals are reportedly etched on the Jefferson Davis Stone: Roman Perez, Robert Uresti, Jessica Puente-Bradshaw, Robert Sanchez and William Garza. There are others, but their names are chipped from the Confederate rock and are too small to read, which might stand as a metaphor as these failures being too insignificant to be remembered.

"These poor, pathetic creatures inevitably crawl out of their holes during the political season only to return to their holes at the end of the political season," said Don Pedro, the venerable voice of The Brownsville Herald who was enjoying a noon bucket of beers at the reopened Palm Lounge with Maclovio O'Malley, La Voz de los Vatos, and "Dapper" David Betancourt, Texas' most respected county treasurer.

"As they say about bad judges, they have no gravitas. They are shallow thinkers. They are hollow people. They have empty minds. The voters see right through them or, more accurately, they don't see them at all. These lost souls are doomed to defeat because in their desperation to be somebodies they only expose themselves to being nobodies."

"Can it get any worse than these fools?" posed O'Malley.

"It only gets worse and worse," huffed Don Pedro. "Let's start with this fellow John Chambers running for sheriff as a Trump Republican. If my math is correct, he has faced a total of 28 felony and misdemeanor counts and is presently spending more time in the courts than on the campaign trail. His detractors call him the lawless lawman. He makes Conrado Cantu seem like a FBI director."

"What about the Flamingo Boys running for the BISD Board of Trustees?" suggested Betancourt.

"Let's begin with the ringleaders," answered Don Pedro. "Erasmo Castro had run for office more than Perez, Uresti, Puente-Bradshaw, Sanchez and Garza combined. In a perfect storm, he won a seat on the BISD board, but he went on such a bender celebrating his miraculous feat that he had to resign after only a year because the D.A. deemed him a drunk.

"Then there is Carlos Elizondo. This is a man without a moral compass. He secretly tapes his enemies in his constant state of paranoia, but it doesn't do him any good. He was fired as Brownsville Fire Chief and could give the Republican sheriff candidate a run for his money when it comes to felony charges. When he ran for reelection to the BISD board, he finished last. But Castro and Elizondo no tienen madres. You can't reason with sinverguenzas. They are not in touch with reality. They never realize that when they are stabbing others in the back, they are stabbing themselves through the heart."

"What is it about the BISD board races that lures the cockroaches out of the dark?" asked O'Malley. "Viro 'El Virus' Cardenas is back after finishing sixth in a five-person mayoral race several years ago. As a Flamingo Boy himself in his pink jumpsuit, he has joined Castro and Elizondo and they are competing as a slate baptized Los Buitres. They're using Coronavirus to pick our bones."

"And what about Denise Garza?" wondered a puzzled Betancourt. "What does she bring to the table?"

"Nada," replied O'Malley. "Es una naca. If she wore a bikini, the authorities would outlaw the bathing suit on public beaches. She is vying against two college-educated males while she is a lowly clerk in benighted San Benito running on the platform that higher education is not important. 

"Is it too much that the community have educated and experienced individuals sitting on the board? Do we want a naca like Garza--who is depending on the blind woman vote yet has the audacity to call BISD educators corrupt--overseeing a $550 million budget and 7,000 employees? She can't even make a grocery list without stressing out. Can it get any worse than Cardenas and Garza?"

"It sure can," nodded Don Pedro. "It sure can."

"How?"

"You've heard of Jessica Gonzalez, haven't you?" continued Don Pedro. "She is the GED valedictorian whose platform according to one of Brownsville's most respected bloggers was 'To n two r for" until she recently upgraded it to 'won n won r tree" to add some pizzazz to her jazz."

"Is she the candidate whose major qualification is that she is a mother?" inquired O'Malley.

"Exactly. Next, we'll have some jerk announcing his candidacy for the BISD because he's a father even though he hasn't paid child support in a decade. Jessica is the epitome of stupidity. She is the countenance of ignorance. Wherever her children have attended school, she has made life hell for teachers and administrators. Like Castro and Elizondo, her specialty is throwing gas on a fire, but there is enough spittle spewing from her claptrap that she could extinguish all the conflagrations in California.

"I don't think she can write her own name. I believe she signs all her papers with an "X" although it's  with a capital letter because she does have her pretensions. She is absolutely the worst of the worse. Can you imagine this ignoramus telling an intellectual like the superintendent the way the district is going to be run? What teacher in his or her right mind would want this flabby chunk of recycled flesh representing the BISD at a state conference? Nincompoops like this half-wit only cement Brownsville's reputation as the Third World Capital of the United States."

Betancourt ordered another bucket. Only a buzz could make any sense out of this nonsense.