JOE BIDEN OPENS DEBATES

 "Before we begin tonight's debate, Donald, I would like to congratulate you on the fine job you have done since we last debated, or more accurately, since you last made a blathering idiot out of yourself with your constant interruptions and temper tantrums, because only 20,000 Americans have died, which brings our death total to more than 220,000 deaths, and only one million new cases have been reported, which brings our total to 8.4 million. And I would be remiss if I didn't give you an additional pat on the back, Donald, for our booming economy. It reminds me of the economy that President Barack Obama and I inherited from President George W. Bush that was characterized as the worst since the Great Depression. You have outdone your Republican predecessor, who, by the way, will not endorse you, much less campaign for you. On behalf of our country, I would also like to express our profound gratitude for the contributions to the health and wealth that you have achieved on behalf of the United States of America. Four more years of you at the helm and the Chinese and the Russians won't have to think about launching nuclear attacks to bring us to our knees. You will have already destroyed us. What? I can't hear you, Donald. You're mute button is on and I would suggest that you stay on your side of the stage. You are an old and drugged-up 74. That blond wig doesn't fool anyone. I'm serious. I will not allow you to take my microphone and point your finger at everyone else for your many failures for which you are solely responsible. And for god's sake, man, please quit blaming me for the chaos you have created when I'm not even president. You're still sitting in the Oval Office and we're waiting for the health plan and the infrastructure plan and those many other plans that you have been promising us for the last four years. When you're not on Twitter, are you viewing pornographic sites? Melania has forbidden you access to her room so your penchant for viewing creampies doesn't surprise anyone. We heard, however, from a friend of a jealous Hope Hicks that the First Lady felt sorry for you and opened her door to you, which is the last thing she should have done. As usual, filled with pus, you infected her with COVID. Speaking of which, we won't ask about your Coronavirus plan. According to your unique scientific mind, Coronavirus is naturally disappearing. You and that screwball Dr. Atlas have determined that it can't withstand a combination of a hot summer and a cold winter. So why would we need a plan when you have predicted that the pandemic will soon be over and you can return to making America great again? If I can be serious for a moment, which is generally a waste of time with a crybaby like you, and hark back to President Obama's words delivered in Philadelphia yesterday, not only have you been a disgrace as a president, but you may be the most reprehensible human being on the face of the earth. We can only pray that Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will intervene and bring your dictatorship to an end. Is that too much to ask of Our Redeemer, a fine fellow who could walk on water? Your days of thinking that you can shoot me before a 100 million viewers and escape judgement or that you can grab my wife Jill by her private parts and rape her in the White House are over. My two minutes are over? Thank-you."

Once Trump had had his say, ninety minutes later his percentages had dropped five percentage points in all the battleground states.