MICHAEL I

I received a call from Mami. It know it's difficult, but I needed a break from the house. It may be better this way, but I couldn't live with those dogs. Everything will be fine. Don't think for a second that I'm not very depressed, but I'm here for you. I just can't live in that house with all the shit in my head. Just concentrate on your football.

Michael: I'm trying to talk straight to you. I'm not a five-year-old anymore. I'm 16 years old. I'm not going to choose you over mom or mom over you. You guys are both my parents. You guys will never work out. That's just how it is. You need to respect mom. It will help everything. Don't write about her. That's embarrassing to me and to mom. I love you and I love my mom. Mom has feelings as well and I can't imagine myself in that position being written about. I really am fine with you guys never getting back together again. Don't blame the dogs and don't say that mom chose the dogs over you because you and I know that it's not true. I love you, Dad. I really do. I don't like you writing about this. This is supposed to be a private family. I'm a private person and I hate my life and mom's life being on the internet. Please just try to respect mom and move on. I am fine with you guys never being together again. I survived most of my life like that. I am fine with it. I will never choose one over the other. You guys both care and love me. Just please try to respect what I am trying to say and don't blame my mother and say cruel things about her. You have to realize that she is my mom. She is not turning me against you so don't ever think that or say that. I am my own person with my own thoughts. I love you and I care for you. We can always hang out and go out to eat like we always love to do. Mom didn't make me write this or anything. You just need to respect me. You don't need to write about her. Nobody will benefit from that. You're a great writer. Just don't write about me and my mom about private stuff. You don't need to reply to this yet. Don't say that mom is turning me against you or that I wouldn't understand. I do understand. I am aware you guys need to move on from each other. You guys won't work out. Honestly, you guys are better off without each other. You can see me whenever you want. Mom is not and will never restrict me from seeing you. I am my own person and I can see you whenever you want. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the stress you cause me. I just want to enjoy my life and you guys won't let me do that. Don't blame the dogs. The relationship between you and mom has been over for a long time. The only thing that should matter is our relationship. We can live in peace with you living over there and me over here. This can be fine if you can just move on. I'm not turning against you or anything like that. So don't say that. I love you and I always will. Good night, Dad. I love you.

You don't know pain. When you do you will understand your father's anger.

I am here for you and I always will be. Just think things through and what's the best for all of us. Anger will never cause anything good. It will solve nothing. I love you.

You want to talk man to man. Imagine if Ari deceived you! I know this is difficult for you and I respect your opinion, but you don't understand pain and torture. You don't fucking know pain and humiliation. If your mother was committed to our family and to our relationship, she would have gotten rid of those dogs. Most mothers would immediately call the pound and get rid of those fucking dogs. If Ari told you that she preferred a dog over your relationship, how would you feel? If you want to join her defense of the dogs over daddy, that's your call. It won't affect my love for you, but your mother has fucked me by joking that she prefers her dogs over the father of her son. I gave up Carlos and Joaquin for your mother and they hurt so bad that they didn't speak for seven years because I had destroyed our family. Your mother could keep out family together, but she has chosen the dogs instead. It's my karma to pay for Carlos and Joaquin's pain. I love you more than anyone in the world and you know that, but your mother has done nothing but fuck my brain for years and now once again over fucking dogs at the expense of my baby boy. I'll probably be dead when you learn your unfortunate lesson at the hands of a woman, but then you'll remember your daddy who was humiliated and lost his family over two mongrels.

You knew the dogs were here when you came back. You can't ask mom to throw away something for you. Nobody can do that. Can you just move on from mom and forget about it? I understand your pain and humiliation. You need to let it go. I don't care about this. I'm stressed about something that I have been dealing since I was ten. I'm sick of this constant something between you and mom. It's over. Mom needs to realize this won't work again and you do too. We have never been a family. We were only a family when I was a baby until I was seven. After you guys divorced, you were never the same. I'm fine without you guys calling yourself a family. I'm sorry for what you have gone through, but you have to move on from her. I love you. You motivate me and I care for you. You taught me so many things and made me the man I am. I will tell my kids about you and the adventures will go on. Please don't ruin our relationship over these dogs. I've known Chloe since I was in the first grade. You can't just ask a person to do that in life. You just either have to deal with things or move on. You had a different woman at one time. I love you. I understand your pain and what you're going through. I don't want you to ever think I will turn against you. I am your son and will forever be your son. Be the better man, Pops.

Do you want to someone at Ari's side besides you? Do you want to see some asshole at your mother's side besides daddy? You have no problem with Mami ending out family because she wants to be with other men? You have not walked in my shoes so you don't know. I respect your perspective, but inside we are animals and some people kills and physically hurt each other when they have been dissed by someone they loved. I'm not a violent person, but I'm not going to be humiliated by dogs so your mother can run off with another man. Maybe I'll be better in the morning. I love you.

Mom doesn't even think about other men. She's in too much pain by what you have caused. Just think. I love you, too.

I could take this conversation about your mother down a dark hole which has precipitated one nightmare after another for me, but I won't. You deserve better. I will not write about your mother publicly, but when I am communicating with her personally, I will speak my mind. She fucked me! I gave up my two beautiful boys for her, raised her two children better than any other father could have and she chooses two dogs over me. No mas!

I only want you to be happy and I know that under the present circumstances that's impossible. I even hurt more than you do when the quarterback isn't accurate in his passing to you. I didn't want to leave, but it was either I exit or I would harm the dogs. It wasn't because I didn't love your mother. I hated them and it was taking me to the breaking point. I hate them so much that I couldn't stand the sound of them lapping water or crunching their food. I had to find peace. My nerves were scintillating with tension. I was ready to explode. They were driving me to the point that I could have killed them. It was horrible, but nobody cared about my anguish. I accept this fate as my karma because I have sinned many times and we don't escape this earth without paying for our trespasses. Alleluia!

I want to do the right thing by you and do the right thing to make you happy, but my anger has run its course because your mother fucked me. We were having such pleasant moments together and it gave me great joy to make you happy by doing all the little things for you. Your mother stabbed me in the heart and you want to believe that is little more than a scratch. I told you many times to stay out of our problems, but your mother purposely pulled you into them. She is not thinking about you. She is thinking about herself. Sit back and learn because you can learn valuable lessons that might help you avoid these unfortunate circumstances. As far as when I was living with you, you stayed in your room and only came out when you wanted something to eat or a new shirt. I promptly embarked on these tasks to make you happy. And, besides people fight like this all the time. Get used to it because you will experience it more than you care to know. I have been a great dad, but your mother has shitted on me because she doesn't give a shit. If she drives a wedge between us, she couldn't care less as long as she comes out ahead. You don't think your mother contributed to the hate her kids feel for their father? Man up! It's not the end of the world. The storm will pass and there will be sunny days until the next storm comes.

Your mother says she is sending all my texts to her to you. If she is, she is the opposite of a real mom who would protect her children from pain. She knows that when people discover that she gave up her family for dogs, she knows that people are going to question her judgment. They are going to think that there is something mentally wrong about her. I hate all of this more than you but a huge piece of shit has been dropped in the middle of us and it has to be cleaned up. It is never a pleasant job.

I hate hate this, I hate this, I hate this, but just the dogs were driving me crazy, she is driving me crazy. I told her to keep you out of this and the first thing she does is drag you into this and keeps dragging you into this. Who has always taken care of his baby boy and has never asked for anything more than a kiss or a hug? I have shared every bit of knowledge I have with you and the satisfaction of your successes has satisfied me. I have never even come close to hitting you. I have only hugged you. And I have done my best to show you a good time and slip you a twenty on a regular basis. But don't forget that I am a person with deep feelings and I hurt and become angry just like any other person. Tell your mother to stop unloading bullshit on you that is only intended for her and me. Stay out of it as I have told you a thousand times since daddy knows the reality of the future. Put an end to her negative tactics. I've told you that we're going to fight and you just have to distance yourself from his crap. She is using you and you have to have enough sense to end it. I have my confrontations with her, but I have no control over her method of revenge, but you have to remain outside the fray and do your own thing. But never forget the consequences of every decision you or your mother makes. Because you and your mother chose to care for the dogs than for daddy, you forced heavy expenses on me and I have to pay higher bills. You decision has cost you a new car that I was in the process of negotiating. And do you think for a second that Mami is going to have the cash for your extra needs. Now both you and your mother will know what it's like not to have daddy around. When people ask you about me, you can say that you made your mother happy by choosing a dog over daddy. Life is a tough game with lots of ups and downs. This is your longtime coach talking who advice he hopes will end in a winning record because there will be losses regardless of the best counsel. It will probably be another tough day, but imagine you're playing the best team in the Valley and wins don't come easy.   

Remember when you go home now, there will be an empty space. Ain't no way the dogs can fill that empty place your old man once filled. There will be no more Bicelli as Daddy hit the weights or the sound on the computer keys as Daddy typed his stories. Did you hear the door close as Daddy departed or did the barking dogs drown out the sound of Daddy's final exit? 

I'm drinking a beer and watching a football game without my best friend. I have not written about your mother but I'm getting sick of it. She is going to have to explain why she picked two dogs over the father of her son. If you want to take her side that you would rather have your two dogs than Daddy because he was a worthless SOB like Bebo's father, then tell me. Your mother doesn't want Brownsville to know that as a mother she picked two dogs over her family because people will question her sanity. If you want to side with her and say that you would rather have two dogs than your family and daddy, that's your call. If you don't want me to be a part of your life that the dogs are more important than Daddy, I won't bother you or your mother anymore. And I'm glad she's buying you a car. That's the least she can do for convincing you that the dogs are more important than Daddy. You have no idea about the truth as your mother does her best to convince you that I'm the villain. I told her to keep you out of our fight, but just like my big boys turned them against me for seven years until they learned the truth, your mother is doing the same thing because mother's know how to manipulate their own children for their own benefit. My big boys ultimately learned the truth and now they can count on me more than her although they love her just the same. Nobody in their right mind destroys a family over dogs.

Last night was endless. Daddy is in a very dark place. Like Humpty-Dumpty, I have exploded into a 1000 pieces and I don't think I can be put back together again. I held everything inside too long and I blew apart. I am so shattered by anger that I am a dead man walking. I know this is very difficult for you, particularly when making you happy has been my top priority. I love doing the little things for you. But I couldn't take it anymore and I collapsed. I am emotionally and mentally suffering. I know that your mother has done everything possible as she views life to make our family work. Please stay strong for Pops, papacito. I adore and love you, but I'm very weak right now and I need your strength. But come Monday, I will be in the lineup, the All-American slot receiver from the University of Notre Dame with hands of glue and sweeping across the field on the wings of an eagle. You're always in my thoughts.

Big games showcase big players. This is the biggest challenge of your career. I need you to play big.

You played a great game. Now it's Pace. Buckle up, motherfuckers. It's kamikaze time!!!

I wish everything were perfect for you, papi, but that isn't life. You're a fine football player. You are a natural, but if you want to be great, you have to put in the hard work. The weights are there. Just thinking about you I lose my cool about Mami, but she has done everything possible to be a good mother. It's my fault. I have many talents, but there is something wrong with me. Like my hate for dogs, I have this side to myself that I don't understand. I have this wild beast in me that doesn't think straight. It's scarily weird. Despite my drawbacks, I have tried to do my best to be a good father to you. Nothing excites me more or brings me greater joy than watching you play football. You are beautiful to watch, but you have to commit yourself with a strict discipline or you will lose the gift that the gods have given you. I hate that my little boy is gone forever, but I hope the good things you have learned from Daddy will make you a better man.