SARA VS, EDDIE

The McHale Report's office located on Washington St. has been quiet for the last three months. Besides Managing Editor Scott Steinbeck, there is seldom anyone behind a desk as the staff is hunkered down during the pandemic. Following health officials' guidelines have left the journalists unscathed, but nobody is taking anything for granted as the pandemic rages through Cameron County, the Rio Grande Valley and South Texas. And through Matamoros and Mexico for that matter.

Steinbeck, a Vietnam vet who was seriously wounded during the Tet Offensive, is not easily intimidated. He crosses the bridge once a week to feast on the cabrito at Los Norteños and he'll down a couple of Tecates in Garcia's bar when he fills his Viagra and Xanax prescriptions. He refrains from venturing into the heart of the city where young girls abound desperate for a few dollars. Unhappily married, he isn't willing to risk his safety or his health for a good fuck. He has learned to live without sex during the COVID-19 crisis.

He was surfing the net when Maclovio O'Malley paid an unexpected visit. Unlike his colleagues, he has been hitting the hustings in The Southmost and Las Prietas on behalf of Sheriff Omar Lucio, Gabby Garcia and Sara Stapleton-Barrera's candidacies. Nobody works la raza like Don Pedro's nephew. Besides whiskey and women, politics in his great love. He believes that the Sheriff will win based on experience, that Garcia will prevail comfortably and even if the Senator ekes out a victory, he has already lost.

"What are you talking about?" asked Steinbeck.

"Besides being a Cameron County Treasurer and Commission, he was a State Rep for four years before becoming State Senator in 1991, a post he has served until the present," replied O'Malley. "You would think that an incumbent with that tenure would run on his record. Even if he hadn't done anything on his own, he could post a page in The Brownsville Herald with his voting record over the last 34 years with measures that have benefitted Brownsville and his district. Instead of running a positive campaign and comporting himself like a gentleman, he attacks his opponent Sara Stapleton-Barrera, an attorney and mother of three young children, as if she were a member of ANTIFA. There was general shock when he flooded every household with mail-ins that depicted her as 'not being one of us,' not a true South Texan, 'mala,' divisive, a defense lawyer who defended criminals and a murderer for her Pro-Choice sympathies. After reading his over-the-top attacks, I'm surprised the Child Protective Services hasn't taken her children as Lucio's has more than insinuated that she is an unfit mother."

"There must be polls that tell him he isn't doing well and he's become desperate, smearing his adversary's character the most effective strategy among his braintrust. Are the voters turning against the Lucio dynasty? Little Eddie in his reelection for State Rep only defeated Erin Gamez, 54% to 46%, and she didn't throw her hat into the ring until the last minute, ran a mediocre campaign and never challenged her foe's record. Sara, to her credit, has been aggressive from the outset and brought 'el pobrecito' Eddie to his knees when she called him 'Sucio' Lucio. You would have thought that she had accused the bishop of urinating on a statue of The Virgin of Guadalupe Eddie went so ape shit. Is this contest so close that he felt he needed to play the race card by claiming the 'Sucio' Lucio jab was a racial slur? He even convinced the emasculated bishop, who looks like a transvestite in his cassock, that Sara had committed a mortal sin by implying that Lucio was 'a dirty Mexican.' If the prelate had interpreted Lucio to mean 'politician,' he would have at least been accurate in stating that Sara was categorizing categorically that Lucio was 'a dirty politician.' It was hilarious that a woman had reduced Mr. Macho Man to a crybaby. And by the way, most people in Cameron County think that 'Sucio' is his first name. You say Eddie Lucio and they have no idea about whom you are speaking."

"He is always playing that Catholic card, also," continued O'Malley. "He reminds me of Trump standing in front of a church with a bible in his hand. He wants to present himself as a person of principle, but he is nothing but a hypocrite. Explain this to me: He was a teacher as a young man, so he was earning enough to live month to month, but during the last 34 years as a State Rep and State Senator, his annual pay has been $7,200. You have to be kidding me. How did an individual surviving on a pittance became a millionaire? Have you seen his palatial home complete with a chapel near Los Fresnos? You would think he had been raised an Yturria. What was the source of all this money?"

"He is called 'Sucio' Lucio, by his own people, for a reason. He lists his occupation as a consultant. A consultant!?!? What expertise does he have except lining up a putt and, according to el rrun rrun, lining his pockets? There are so many rumors regarding his duplicity. These are some of the more juicier ones that have arrived to my ears. If a company profits from his legislation, he becomes their consultant. That is the alleged baseline for his fleecing operation."

"But aren't there any particular stories that required him to admit in the confessional that besides masturbating, smelling his sister's panties and staring at the Playboy centerfold for hours, he hadn't been an altar boy?"

"There was Eddie at his Christian best facilitating a process that allowed Philippine teachers and nurses to come to the United States and find employment, but he reportedly collected a fee from each of them. Recently, he was attempting to cut a lucrative food deal with the BISD that had less success than the barbacoa fiasco. And then there was the Willacy County detention center scandal that cost a few politicians their freedom and left Eddie promising to God that he would never be a bad boy again if he escaped prosecution. People call him 'Sucio' Lucio because he is the classic dirty politician who via dirty money has evolved into a powerful plutocrat. Never put your trust in the pillars of society unless you want to find yourself buried under their rubble. Seriously, however: Do you think Sara has a legitimate chance against Eddie? This would be the greatest political upset in South Texas history?"

"I have mentioned previously that she has made the impossible, possible," offered O'Malley. "If she doesn't win, she may have accomplished a moral victory."

Wwhat is that?" questioned Steinbeck.

"She may have ended his political career. He was having second thoughts seeking this term. His performance in this election proves that he has lost his mojo. He blasts Sara for her inability to work across the aisle. Eddie doesn't work across the aisle. He is in the Republicans' backpocket with his own seat on their side of the aisle. He would literally ejaculate in his pants when Governor Rick Perry would hug him. It would be a shock if he stayed on his side of the aisle and voted with the Democrats for a change. Eddie no longer has credibility as a Democrat in Cameron County. If he were a fetus, State Democratic Chairman Gilberto Hinojosa would abort him. As it is, he is a still-born Democrat."