TRUMP'S BROTHER'S DEATH

Donald Trump, the perverted president of the United States, discovered that karma, besides Melania, is a bitch. Responsible for the deaths of more than 170,000 Americans due to COVID-19 as a result of his incompetency, Trump lost his younger brother Robert Saturday night.

"We have a God who has exacted terrible punishments from humanity when they have transgressed beyond the bounds of forgiveness," said Jesus P. Cadissimo, the defrocked priest who ministers to the poor of Cameron Park. "There has never been a more heinous president than Trump. Before he spends eternity in hell, he is going to have to pay a price for his terrible transgressions in this life. God has started collecting and Trump's brother is the first payment on a very expensive bill."

Trump, a man who hides his sorrow well, turns to twitter to endure the agony. He is extremely disappointed with Fox News, his "official" propaganda machine, for not substantiating the same bold-faced lies he promotes in his every encounter with the public. Refusing to refute categorically the accusations that Kamala Harris cannot run for vice president because she was allegedly born in another nation, he is, instead, railing that she is part of a conspiracy to make it impossible for Americans to eat red meat.

But there is always the next shot, which forces him to put his cell in his pocket as he improves his approach to the green by moving the ball out of the rough and into the middle of the fairway. Nobody seems to notice that he is cheating. Nor do they object when he says "It's a gimme" with a less than ten-foot putt.

"I'm not hitting the ball cleanly today," said Trump from one of his courses on a Sunday summer afternoon. "I'm slicing all my drives and I can't read the greens. I'm five-over when I'm usually par through the first ten. Maybe it's my brother's death. I really don't know. I saw him yesterday and we had a pleasant chat. I told him I would like to spend the night and keep him company, but I had a noon tee time and I needed a good night's sleep if I expected to play well. I was sorry to hear that he passed away later in the day. Very sad. Very sad.

"Unfortunately, it's not my day. It seems the sand traps have a magnetic pull on my balls. If I could only order the breeze to stop blowing, I would, but I can't. I have tremendous powers that I use wisely in keeping us the greatest country in history, but the legislature branch refuses to grant me the powers to control the weather. It's the usual Democratic Party's recklessness. There would be no global warming if they would give me the meteorological mandates, but they won't concede me those powers. Goddamn Nancy Pelosi is a real cunt!"

Asked if he would be attending his brother's funeral, he replied, "I don't think there is anyone in the world I loved more than Robert. He was my best friend, but I'm going to have to take a rain check on this one. I'll be campaigning throughout this great country of ours talking about our many fantastic accomplishments for which the media refuses to give us credit.

"It's the same old crap with those bastards: Coronavirus deaths? The disastrous economy? Starving mothers and children? Civil unrest? Why don't I get credit for the historic accord I helped foster between Israel and the United Arab Emirates? It's one of the most outstanding achievements in modern times. There should be bands marching and fireworks exploding, but there is nothing, nothing. I don't understand it. They just don't like me.

"As to the funeral, I would love to be sitting in the front row of the church with Ivanka rubbing her hips against mine and showing a little cleavage as she so often does to stay in my good graces, but I'm like a professional athlete with a job to do. Many stars have lost loved ones during their seasons, but they continue to play rather than attend the services because that would have been their departed loved ones' wishes.

"Robert would have wanted me on the trail rather than trailing after his casket. I gave him a few tips about dying when I saw him and he thanked me for the advice. There are many things that I do quietly for which I don't receive any praise. It's nice when you're recognized for making a difference and I know that I have made a big difference in our country. As to my brother, don't worry about Robert, or Bobby as I called him. He's doing fine. He's going to be alright. I would say that he's in a better place, but there is no better place than our wonderful United States of America."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

REMI THROWS ELECTION TO BIDEN

Cameron County Elections Administrator Remi Garza is so Democratic that he bleeds blue. But how deep is his loyalty to the party? Does he rival George Parr who provided the crucial votes from Duval County that allowed Lyndon Baines Johnson to defeat Coke Stevenson for the U.S. Senate in 1948 and pave LBJ's path to the presidency? We would hope so. He knows that Trump is a cancer who is destroying our country. He knows that a figurative civil war is taking place as a result of Trump's polarizing politics that is eviscerating this nation. He knows that Trump is the epitome of evil and as a result of his many mortal sins God is punishing the United States as if we were Sodom and Gomorrah. Granted, it won't be an easy task. Trump defeated Clinton by 800,000 votes in 2016. To be on the safe side, Garza needs to find a million votes. Cameron County went for the Democrat, 60,000 to 30,000. Garza, therefore, must find 970,000 votes. Parr only had to deliver 200 votes, but Garza isn...
Read more

GROOVIN' ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON

In history there are events that change the sequence of time, the birth of Jesus Christ the most obvious example. But in communities, nations and the world there are occurrences that will serve as a reference point in the lives of individuals. There is the before and after of the earthquake. There is the before and after of the flood.  And there is the before and after of the war. As we know from personal deaths in our own families, existence subsequently changes forever. For me there will be the Coronavirus before and after. As a baby boomer, I escaped Vietnam because the country sent white trash, ghetto blacks and barrio Mexicans to do the fighting while we middle-class white boys partied through college. If I had had the combat experience, I'm sure my perspective would be different, but I didn't. With the exception of a few passings, my life has been free of trauma. I don't take this fortunate fate lightly. I knocked on my head regularly. Coronavirus, however, has perman...
Read more

JASON MOODY SITS FOR INTERVIEW

Jason "The Jackal" Moody, the new public information officer for the Brownsville Independent School District (BISD), is well-known in political circles. He has advised scores of candidates who, in the end, have usually lost to Rodrigo Moreno's Pink Ape aspirants. At The McHale Report we prefer imaginary interviews to the real thing because they don't take much time and they are more enjoyable to pen because we have more of a penchant for fiction than we do for realism although we mix them on occasion which has made Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully, our founder, famous world-wide for creating the fictional/realism genre. Our good friend Robert Sanchez contributed an inflatable woman to the blog. We filled her with air and her dimensions were quite extraordinary. Sanchez had previously baptized her Nubia and the name seem to fit her sensuous state. We sat her in a comfortable seat. Cris Valadez, ex-County Judge Carlos Cascos' former aide, is a ventriloquist. He sounds quite s...
Read more